you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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