"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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