Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize