I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
