so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
