You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
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