I skipped work to stalk him.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
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I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
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Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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