dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
