she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
