ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm getting married
To pizza
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Pants are for mortals
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
