she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
