you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
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