this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
