I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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