Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
