All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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