my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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