I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
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Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
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Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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