She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
