I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
