I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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