when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
