god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
