I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
