At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
