I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
