I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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