I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
