She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
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I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
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What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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