WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
