I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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