And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
