my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
