At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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