Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
