you turned your livingroom into a bong?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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