I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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