If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
