she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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