I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
