My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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