you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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