If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
