As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
