Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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