tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
