Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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