Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
