tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I need a beard to bite.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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