Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
he was CRYING into my vagina
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
