how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
