you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
