i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
