i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
