Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
And then my night got REAL pukey
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
