i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
