I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
