Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
