Sry I called you an 8
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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