id be glad to
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
