Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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