I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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