areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
